I’m back in Houston, Forever… maybe.
Far too often we walk through life lost and in consistent search of ourselves, hoping and praying that we will eventually run into something we like. On this journey of self-discovery we encounter fellow travelers. Ironically, it is they who provide the lessons that fuel our voyage to becoming better people; but, with difficult lessons come painful steps. And these individuals who have un-expectantly and sometimes unwillingly become part of our journey also become participants in our life story. They will undoubtedly bring friction and difficulties. It is how we handle this adversity that brings us closer to truly understanding ourselves and others. Neither we nor they may know it, but these individuals, which our lives have crossed with, will have a significant impact on who we will become.
It’s been six months since I relocated to San Antonio. Honestly it hasn’t gotten all that much better in terms of meeting new people. It’s difficult when you don’t already have a few established friends around town. But it’s a learning experience I suppose. Not sure exactly what I’m learning other than being alone really sucks. The time has passed rather quickly though. My original goal was at least a year but now I’m feeling I can probably do a little more, how much more I don’t really know. I just have this feeling that I should be settling down somewhere soon. I would love to explore where ever things happen to take me but as you get older those opportunities become few and less practical.
The year of the Dragon. Every twelve years there’s always one year that seems to guarantee a dry spell when it comes to luck and fortune. According to some people this will be that year for me. I keep hearing Dragons are awful for dogs. They directly oppose each other on the zodiac, a complete 180 degrees apart. Yea maybe they are and that’s bad, who knows. I do remember that 12 years ago it was the year 2000 I was back in high school between junior and senior year, Y2K hadn’t ended the world but it might as well have. That year sucked. I’m in no hurry to repeat those experiences but how can you cheat fate, ha? Believe what you want I guess. I’m gonna try to lay low maybe this year will blow over quicker then I’d expect. 2011 sure did.
2011 wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t really anything. It was all very mediocre, nothing amazing, nothing all that life changing in either a positive or negative way. I got a new job, I moved, now I’m here, that’s it, the end. If only 2012 could be just as mind numbingly simple. Truth is they were wrong about me and 2011, It was suppose to have been somewhat amazing, maybe they’ll be equally wrong about 2012. I can settle for mediocrity this year. One can only hope.
Dearest Friends: Thank you for all your support and well wishes this past week. I am humbled and grateful to have such wonderful friends. I am now back from my unexpected trip to Taiwan. Under the circumstances I can’t exactly say the trip back was ideal. Although the last minute tickets back were expensive, and on top of that I misplaced my passport which meant a last second trip to Dallas to get a same-day replacement. I am still glad I went back. I just hope my next trip back would encompass a vacation rather then a funeral. I return to work tomorrow not really knowing or wanting to know the amount of work that awaits me.
From a Friend:
Top Five Regrets Of The Dying
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
These last couple of weeks has been especially hard. I just can’t seem to catch a break anywhere. One fire out, another seems to ignite, (if not reignite). Usually I find that there is some sort of silver lining someplace somewhere but not now. It’s as if keeping my head barely above water is all I can manage to do, it’s definitely better then sinking of course but it’s not enough to excel. This neutral -purgatory -middle -of -nowhere -between -a -rock -and -a -hard -place isn’t where I want to be but I can’t help but feel as if this is all I can do for right now. Life was never all that easy, knowing that a lot of people have it worse and would love to trade places in an instant puts things in perspective. Still you can’t help but think that improvement should be the natural outcome of working hard. It just hasn’t been.
I was young and naive, reckless and innocent. We trusted. We loved. We laughed. And then we fell apart. It happens. Things happened. They say with time, memories will gradually fade. You forget the exact words that were exchanged. You forget the moments when time stood still. And you forget the bond that used to exist. You forget. Time does not take away these memories, but it is supposed to tame and break the emotions behind it. Days, weeks, months, and years later, you stood before me. I took one look at you and I took you in like an old friend would. But neither of us dares to talk about the past we once shared.
A friend recently asked why I started blogging again after my lengthy absence. Although I link my posts to Facebook, I hadn’t realized people actually took the time to go to Tumblr and read the actual posts rather than just the headlines from Facebook or twitter. With this revelation I suppose I should be more careful as to what I decide to post about myself and occasionally about others. The simple answer to her questions is that I believe it’s important to write about the present in order to one day reflect on the past.
Much of what I write is for reflection, I started up again after going through old letters from close friends, some of these letters were some 15 years old others a little more recent. I keep everything that’s ever written to me. After reminiscing with these letters I realized it’s important to document the past, it puts our life experiences in perspective. The significance of certain events that we once thought was of the essence become less dire when the position of time is introduced. Other things, which seemed at the time to be of no consequence culminated in to shaping the very essence of who we are.
If anything our past teaches us that there is a future. Things do get better. People change, we change. To realize that time can heal wounds that seemed irreparable. That we really can’t predict anything, we can only live our lives and let things fall where they may fall. Our past lets us know that the obstacles we had once had to overcome, even though it might have been the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do, truly have made us for the better. I suppose that’s why I write, although no one really knows if Tumblr or Xanga or Twitter or even Facebook will be around in another 15 years.
Hoping to get a doggie soon! :D Its a Cavachon a hybird between a Cavalier Spaniel and a Bichon. I have a perfect little area for her in my apt that sits currently empty.
We’re all a little broken
It’s uncanny how perfect we can make our lives seem to be. The lies we tell others and the ones we tell ourselves; it all comes together making up this charade. The ones who lead outwardly perfect lives? They have their real demons on the inside. We’re all guilty. We’re all just a little broken, someway somehow. We’re all wrapped up in a continuous effort to pick up the broken pieces. But you never quite catch up to the pieces falling around you. All you can really do is just manage and prepare.
If it’s any comfort, everyone’s broken. Piece by piece we are all falling apart. Even the ones that seem perfect. We’re all just a moment away from catastrophe. In a way it’s reassuring that no one is truly perfect and the ones that seem perfect may actually hold the most irreparable damage. Denial is always strong, it’s not easy admitting that we are all followed by a trail of shattered brokeness but the quicker we realize that we are all broken, the more we can do to pick up and mend the pieces we leave behind. So don’t lie to yourself or anyone else, go ahead and pick up the damage, move forward, you’ll always have broken pieces, it’s not just you, its everyone.
Third Month in SA
I’m on my third month in San Antonio now. It’s gotten considerably better since my last post two months ago. So what’s changed? Honestly , not all that much. I still have certain unfulfilled desires that keep creeping up, but I’ve come to a point of acceptance. Acceptance in a good way not in a life-sucks-and-i-can’t-change-anything-so-why-try kind of way. Things are as good as you make them out to be. Take deep breaths and everything will [eventually] be okay.
Wisdom from an Anonymous friend:
It always amazes me when they stick around. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just one secret away from blowing it all, that if she finds out I’m afraid of spiders or that I hate chocolate ice cream, she’ll leave me for Mr. Not-so-Fucked-Up next door.
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve perfected an act. A scripted play, a choreographed display of wit and charm that carries me through … But then something happens midway through. The rules of the game change, the script runs out of chapters, and all of a sudden, we realize that we really are exposed to the other person. The scars and wounds start to appear, the marks from our past reemerge reminding us that underneath the porcelain skin, is a monster lurking in the darkness.
And really, it is during those times that we are most vulnerable, the times when we’re most afraid of exposing our demons, that we truly begin accepting the other person into our lives. It’s not the best of times that define a relationship, but the worst.
One Month in SA
I’ve been in San Antonio for a little over a month now. My initial hope was to stay here for two years then move on to bigger and better things, maybe back to Houston, maybe to another city. But things here so far have been rather boring. There’s really isn’t much of anything to do. The weekdays go by just fine with work encompassing most of my day; it’s the weekends that are just filled with utter nothingness. Maybe just one year here will be enough. I’m going to give this city a chance and give myself a chance to adapt. I hadn’t imagined that meeting new friends in a new city would be so incredibly difficult. I guess I got use to the idea of Houston where everyone knew everyone else.
I just don’t want to be “wasting time” – I’m not even sure what that means. I guess I use to have this timeline of how and when everything in life was suppose to happen. But I’ve realized that life doesn’t follow timelines.
